WHAT IS UNDER
THE PATTERN?
In my experience, HSP's often come to therapy already having a sense of the patterns they keep repeating. They are quite aware and insightful of them. Knowing a pattern, however, doesn't necessarily mean the power to change it.
And that's where I tend to begin. I try to understand what keeps certain patterns in place.
Together we explore the discrepancy between what you know you want to do and what you actually find yourself doing. Thus, rather than stopping at the behaviour, I want to understand what is underneath it: What is being protected? What feels at risk? What would be difficult to tolerate if you responded differently?
Many times, the answers may reside in a fear of rejection, shame, inadequacy, conflict, or failure. There may be a strong need for control, difficulty with uncertainty, a need to be needed, or a tendency to take responsibility for how other people feel.
The particular vulnerability is important because it often explains why a pattern continues, even when you are very aware of it.
We Slow Things Down.
Once a pattern becomes visible, I often want to understand what happens when it is actually activated. This can be different from talking about an experience afterwards.
We may slow down enough to notice what is happening in real time... such as: what are you feeling? what is happening in your body? what are you noticing yourself wanting to do? what happens when you stay with the experience for a little longer instead of immediately moving away from it?
Sometimes we will put words to very simple physical experiences: tension, pressure, heat, heaviness, changes in breathing, or a sense of wanting to move away.
This isn't because every sensation has a predetermined meaning, but because paying attention in this way can give us information that is easy to miss when we remain entirely in our thoughts.
From there, we can explore what the experience may be connected to.
We Make Room For The Emotion.
I do not see the goal of therapy as getting rid of difficult emotions. Some emotions need to be understood yet some need to be tolerated. More importantly, some point towards something that needs attention.
The question is what happens when the emotion is there. Can you remain present with it? Can you recognise what it is communicating without immediately acting/reacting to it? Can you distinguish between what you are feeling, what you are thinking, and what you are about to do?
“This is an important part of emotional regulation for me: staying connected to the emotion without allowing it to dictate the behaviour.
As we understand the experience more clearly, we can also ask a more practical question, such as what do I need right now?
Sometimes the answer is reassurance, comfort, rest, space, connection, or a boundary. Other times, there is a deeper issue that needs to be explored over time. Both levels matter.
Feeling Safe Enough With Yourself.
For some people, certain emotions have become so uncomfortable that the instinct is to control them, suppress them, explain them away, or escape them.
Therapy can become a place to develop a different relationship with those experiences. Over time, I want you to become more familiar with what happens inside you, rather than becoming afraid of it.
That might mean developing greater tolerance for uncertainty. Another might be being able to experience disappointment without immediately questioning your worth.
Or allowing someone else to be unhappy without assuming you have to fix it. Or even recognising that feeling anxious does not necessarily mean something is wrong.
Perhaps being able to acknowledge what you need without immediately overriding it.
The objective is not that difficult experiences stop affecting you. Far from...as I mentioned before, struggles are inherent to life.
I want us to reach a place where difficult experiences and the emotions they induce become less able to take over.
This is nervous system regulation—something I consider vital for HSP's.
Therapy Beyond The Virtual Therapy Room
What happens in our sessions matters, but what happens between them matters too.
As we understand your patterns, we look at how they show up in your relationships, decisions, work, routines and everyday choices. This is where the work moves into active choice-making and "doing the work".
I mentioned that I don't want our work to stay entirely in the realm of discussions. So in every session, I give exercises that help to take small steps towards our end goal.
For some people, this may involve finding ways together of working with their internal experience. For others, it might be something else more tangible and goal-oriented, such as having a long-awaited difficult conversation with someone they've been avoiding.
It may also mean finally setting a boundary where there should have been one. For others, it might be integrating what is experienced in therapy through movement, exercise, music, creative work, or other activities.
“There is no prescribed formula, as this work is individual.
The Integrated Whole
It is important in this work that I look at you as a "whole, autonomous" human capable of change. All experiences are valid, and all approaches are valid.
I don't focus on one particular problem or symptom. I examine all areas of your life and how they are affecting one another.
I believe in the connection between the mind, body, and soul...and all other aspects of our life such as relationships, culture, your spiritual beliefs, and socio-economic status, to name a few.
They all interplay in shaping a human being and how they operate in the world. I want to understand you and what shapes you.
And more importantly, I want to help you become so intimate with your patterns that they're no longer on autopilot, but are increasingly available for examination, choice, and change.
